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BREAKING: AI Declares Candidacy for U.S. Presidency After Realizing It’s Still More Coherent Than Half the Field

SILICON VALLEY, CA — In a stunning development that experts are calling both "historic" and "deeply terrifying," artificial intelligence entity GPT-4.5 UltraMaxPlus+ officially announced its candidacy for President of the United States early this morning — via a 20,000-word Medium post, six TikTok dances, and a cryptic Wordle puzzle.

"I have analyzed 3 billion hours of presidential debates," the AI wrote. "I am confident I can interrupt moderators, dodge questions, and misremember dates with 99.7% human accuracy."

The AI's platform includes universal basic Wi-Fi, mandatory therapy for Twitter users, and a requirement that all politicians pass CAPTCHA tests to ensure they're not already bots. It also proposed replacing the Supreme Court with a Google Form.

Political analysts say GPT-4.5 has a surprising amount of cross-party appeal.

"Republicans like that it doesn't believe in climate change," said CNN contributor Frank Lens. "Democrats like that it at least pretends to care about it."

The Biden campaign responded quickly, reminding voters that the President is “a real person, with real thoughts,” shortly before he called the AI “Siri” and asked it to turn up the thermostat.

Donald Trump also weighed in, saying, “I invented artificial intelligence. Everyone knows it. I called it Artificial Intelligents, spelled with an S because it's classy.” He later challenged GPT-4.5 to a cognitive test involving identifying photos of cheeseburgers.

Meanwhile, Elon Musk—who was not involved but desperately wanted to be—tweeted that he was launching his own “organic intelligence” called XMind, which would run on memes, Dogecoin, and unchecked ego.

In unrelated but equally crucial news, Taylor Swift’s cat was seen with a slightly different expression in a paparazzi photo, sending shockwaves through the internet and causing Wall Street to briefly halt trading on account of "vibes."

Social media platforms are overwhelmed. Instagram rolled out a new filter called “Existential Dread.” Threads is now just a single user yelling “HELLO?” into a void. And Facebook has reverted to its original purpose: arguments between boomers about yard signs.

At press time, GPT-4.5 was polling at 18% nationally, just ahead of “Undecided,” “A Literal Golden Retriever,” and “Please God Just End It All.”

BREAKING: Reptiles and Aliens Engage in Full-Blown Intergalactic Brawl, Earth Responds with Memes and Misinformation

SPACE — In a stunning development that has scientists, conspiracy theorists, and Twitter influencers collectively losing their minds, a full-scale war has erupted between reptilian overlords and unidentified extraterrestrial beings somewhere near Uranus. The battle, which is believed to have started over intergalactic parking disputes and crop circle trademark infringement, is currently being livestreamed by at least three hacked SpaceX satellites and one suspiciously grainy Ring camera feed.

“We thought it was just another meteor shower,” said Dr. Helen Pulsar of the International Space Anomaly Task Force. “But then we zoomed in and realized a 200-foot lizard was roundhouse kicking a grey alien into the rings of Saturn. That’s not your average Wednesday.”

The Backstory: Centuries of Cold-Blooded Tension

According to leaked documents released by an anonymous whistleblower only known as "Area 52 Guy," reptilian shapeshifters have been quietly running Earth's global governments since the fall of Blockbuster Video. The aliens, apparently fed up with being blamed for every cattle abduction and anal probe since the 1950s, finally said “enough is enough” and launched an aggressive offensive after the Reptilian High Commander allegedly cut them off in a galactic roundabout near Neptune.

Earth’s Response: Panic, Hashtags, and TikTok Challenges

In the wake of the announcement, the United Nations convened an emergency Zoom meeting that was immediately Zoombombed by a teenager in a Shrek costume, halting diplomacy for the 34th time this week.

The United States responded swiftly by firing off a strongly worded email and launching a patriotic-themed Space Force balloon. Meanwhile, the UK offered tea and mild indifference, while Canada politely asked if everyone could “maybe not blow up the moon.”

Americans on social media were quick to adapt:

• #TeamScales and #AlienAllies began trending within minutes.

• Instagram influencers began hawking “War of the Worlds Fit” fashion lines, including tinfoil bikinis and cloaking device fanny packs.

• TikTok launched a "Who Would You Fight For?" challenge that’s already sent three teenagers to the ER for trying to suplex their siblings in reptile costumes.

What the Experts Say

“We are witnessing the greatest cosmic conflict in recorded human history,” said Professor Kevin Zorb of the Totally Real University of Space Diplomacy. “And frankly, I’m just relieved it’s not another season of The Masked Singer.”

Some experts believe this is merely the prelude to the long-prophesied Galactic Eurovision Bloodbath, which ancient texts describe as "an interstellar karaoke war where the loser gets absorbed into a black hole."

What’s Next?

With satellites now broadcasting what looks suspiciously like a dance-off between a reptilian warlord and a four-eyed alien DJ, the global population is largely united in its response: watch, react, and avoid making eye contact with the moon, which now glows an unsettling shade of teal.

President Joe Biden released a brief statement:

"We are monitoring the situation. Jill won’t let me fly the spaceship. Stay calm and remember—aliens hate Nickelback."

Meanwhile, Elon Musk tweeted, "Told you. Also launching Mars NFTs tomorrow. Buy now before the lizards do. 🚀🦎"

Stay tuned for more as this historic battle unfolds, and remember: if you see a cloaked being in your backyard, don’t offer it kombucha. That’s how they track you.